Artemis Fowl and the Undignified Situation
by clairesie
Summary: Hehehe just you wait...
1. Chapter 1

Welcome to a very random and excessively strange story. Read on if you dare. Sorry about short chapter...

Disclaimer: It's not mine, although with what I'm planning to do with it, Colfer will probably so horrified he'll give it up... nah, in my dreams. Anyway...

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It was a very blustery day, as Winnie the Pooh would have said, and in fact as Winnie the Pooh did say as he perched himself on Artemis' shoulder for no apparent reason.

"What the…" said Artemis in a rather unusual display of stupidity. He soon composed himself, however, and attempted to make the best of a bad situation.

"Bear-like thing, kindly tell me who you are, why you are, paying particular attention to why you are sitting on my shoulder, and what is the meaning of life."

The bear-like thing cocked his head to one side and looked Artemis in the eye.

"Honey," he said, "is particularly good on a Wednesday afternoon, when there is very little to do."

Artemis raised an eyebrow and released the horror of his Death Stare on Pooh. This, unfortunately, did not work, and Pooh simply sighed and climbed off the boy's shoulder and sat upon the floor.

"Do you have any honey?" he asked dolefully.

"You have not yet answered my questions, bear, and you will not be provided with honey until you do so. That is, if I decide to give you honey at all." Artemis was, by now, quite annoyed – he had a lot of very important hacking to do, and the bear was not conducive to a proper hacking environment.

"I am Pooh," said the bear simply, causing Artemis further confusion, as the 'h' on the end of 'Pooh', being an aspirate, is very difficult to realise unless you know what is being said.

"While I do not doubt that you are generally comprised of excrement, you have not yet answered my question. Answer it, if you will."

"Say please," uttered the stuffed animal.

"BUTLER!" uttered Artemis.

"Yes, sir? Oh god…" said Butler moments later as he entered the room.

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What has Butler seen which will haunt him forever? Join us next time... also, please review. Telling me 'this is a piece of crap, please burn it' is kind of stating the obvious, but still, if that's what you want to write... any review is a good review.


	2. Chapter 2

Hehehe this is fun... hope you guys like it too! Wow, 10 reviews already... people do seem to think its funny, which makes me very happy. Anyway, on with the story...

**Artemis Fowl and the Undignified Situation**

Butler sank slowly to his knees, sobbing quietly.

"Butler, my good man, what on earth is wrong?" asked Artemis, his voice gradually rising in pitch.

"You're…you're… I can't bear to say it, sir, it's too awful. I hoped I'd never live to see this day…" replied Butler between sobs.

"I really would like some honey," added Pooh.

Artemis tensed and then exhaled and relaxed.

"Butler, just as soon as you compose yourself, I need you to escort this bear from the premises. He is making rather a nuisance of himself." The boy's voice was, by now, quite high-pitched.

"But… Artemis… you're turning into…" stuttered Butler.

"What? Kindly tell me precisely what you are on about, or vacate my room, along with this ridiculous creature," squeaked Artemis impatiently.

Butler took a deep breath.

"Piglet," he uttered.

"Pardon?" shrilled Artemis. The heir to the Fowl empire looked down at his feet, and gasped. They were pink. As were his hands-turned-trotters, legs, and rotund torso. Apart, of course, from the purple stripes across his middle, which caused him the greatest of disgust.

Artemis understood his bodyguard's cryptic comment.

"Piglet!" cried Pooh. "Surely you will have some honey with me?"

Artemis shuddered internally, but to his horror found himself saying "Most certainly, although I am always so frightened that the honey jar will swallow me all up."

Butler was overcome by another wave of sobs. He summoned up the last of his emotional strength to plead with his master.

"Artemis! This isn't you! Be strong, sir, and fight the idiocy! You must not let it consume you…"

Artemis tried and tried to explain to Butler that he was still sane, but eventually realised that it was impossible for him to say anything that wasn't meaningless drivel about honey and how the vessel in which it was contained was so dreadfully frightening. Butler soon collapsed from the strain, and Artemis resigned himself to insanity.

"I could only find the honey if you came with me, Pooh; it's a terribly big house out there, and if I was to get lost… I might never be found!"

"Don't worry, Piglet – we shall go together, and if we get lost… we'll be lost together! It shall be an Adventure!"

What a relief that is, thought Artemis sarcastically. I could never survive without you, dear excrement.

It was at that moment that he noticed a slight distortion in front of the window, and although he didn't know what it meant for sure, a heavy feeling settled in his belly which could only be described as 'You're kidding, right? Please tell me you're kidding… please…'

Who or what has Arty-let seen at the window? Or is it simply a fault in his eyesight? Join us next time… hehehe…  
- review please!!


	3. Chapter 3

Hello again. Here be part two of Clairesie's evil christmas present to the community... and no, you still can't return it.

**Chapter 3**

Artemis stood staring at the window for some time, although during this time he continued to babble meaninglessly to Pooh. However, even Pooh noticed that his dear porcine friend was distracted, and spoke to this effect.

"Have you seen a Heffalump out there? Oh do let us go out and chase it! I've always wanted to catch one! Come along, Piglet, don't be frightened…" Pooh said, grabbing Artemis' trotter with a remarkably tight grip, considering the bear didn't have opposable thumbs. Artemis tried to protest, but was again thwarted by his, well, mutation. He had an idea, and attempted to put it into action.

"But Pooh, I'm terribly _terribly_ frightened of Heffalumps! I couldn't possibly go out there – I just couldn't bear it, knowing that it could come up behind me and eat me all up! Please don't make me go out there - the world is so big and frightening…"

"Piglet there is absolutely nothing to worry about. Heffalumps don't eat Piglets… at least, I don't think they do… anyway, you must come. There is no reason to be frightened at all, except for the possibility that we might run out of honey… oh dear, that is a dreadful thought indeed, isn't it. But Heffalumps don't eat honey, I'm quite sure about that. Come along, there is nothing frightening out there.

"Oh, but there is, there is! The world is so big, Pooh! How can you stand it out there? Please let me stay inside, Pooh – nothing can get me in here, but outside… who knows what could happen? What if… what if the sky begins to fall? Or… scary pixies come out and tease us?"

Pixies? Artemis thought. Where did that come from? Must be the madness… I guess the scary thing is, it doesn't strike me as such an unlikely thing to happen. But 'pixies' doesn't sound right…

"Piglet, everything will be fine. I will take care of you. Come along now, dear friend…"

Artemis would have growled in frustration if he could have, which would indeed have been a sight to see. This stupid bear was supposed to be inanimate – wasn't the story all about some delusional boy playing with stuffed animals? For heavens sake, it would be so much simpler if things would just stay in their own books.

"My trotter is dreadfully sore - I don't think I should go out today." Artemis said, and sat unceremoniously on the floor, refusing to budge.

"Ah well, I suppose I had better go and search for the Heffalump. I do hope your trotter is better soon, dear Piglet… perhaps some honey would make it better? I shall make sure to fetch some for you. Goodbye," said the bear, and left.

Artemis silently praised all applicable deities, something he had never had occasion to do before. He then went over to the desk and climbed laboriously onto it in order to better see out of the window. His fears were confirmed, although he did not yet know it. Suddenly a short person appeared in the air where the shimmer had been, causing Piglet to fall backwards, a very difficult position to be in if one is simultaneously Piglet and one who is hoping to stand upright.

"Oy, Arty!" the short person said, loud enough to be heard through the glass. "Let me in!"

The boy-turned-stuffed-animal stared in horror. Not only was this random creature suspended seemingly unaided in the air, it was addressing him with familiarity akin to that of a close (but very annoying) friend. 'Arty'? How did it… where would it have found out…

And he was struck with an idea. Many happy memories followed it. Quickly pursuing these was the inevitable deluge of horribly, horribly embarrassing memories. Which was now being supplemented in a way Artemis had never even contemplated.

"Open the bloody window, pig-boy!" yelled what Artemis now recognised as an elf. This command was voiced loud enough to wake Butler, who sat up, stared at the window, uttered an unintelligible cry of distress and returned to his insentient state.

Artemis struggled to open the window, which was no mean feat for one with trotters, and eventually achieved his goal. The elf was, by that time, quite impatient to say the least.

"Well? Aren't you going to invite me in?" she said, rolling her eyes.

Artemis tried valiantly, but could only say such rot as "Oh how frightened I am – so close to the big world!" and "You aren't a Heffalump, are you?"

By this time, the elf was most unimpressed. Then she had an idea.

"If you don't invite me in, I'll break in and eat you all up!" she growled.

Piglet's response was, while unoriginal, most satisfactory.

"Help! Oh please, someone save me from this terrible thing!" Artemis realised what Holly had done, and simultaneously admired her for her resourcefulness and cursed himself for not thinking of the same thing. Must be Piglet taking over my brain, he thought. Yes, that's it. Piglet…

Okay… this was a rather long chapter compared to the others I've written in this story, and I'm not entirely sure anything particularly interesting happened… but anyway, I'll update soon, and this time I do not lie… anyway, just wanted to upload this as a bit of a Christmas present to everyone – so Merry Christmas, o readers, and I hope you don't mind the somewhat pointless nature of this chapter… or maybe it's okay, I haven't really read it all that much… must write chapters for other stories also… anyway, there's my mindless ramble for now, must rush… farewell…

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Well would you look at that, i already wrote stuff at the end of this chapter. I don't usually do that, in case you can't tell. Anyway, please review. 


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